Unsaid Words

The Most Dangerous Disease: Having a Strong Memory

I’d always remember you from the exhilarating moment when I first laid my eyes on you, when we first stared at each others’ eyes and uttered the confession of love to the excruciating pain that I felt when I asked you the truth and you chose to sugarcoat your lies.

It was 12 am and my friend anxiety and its first cousin insomnia had visited me and the memories of you started to roll like a reel of film right in front of my eyes.. The bitterness started to overwhelm my thoughts, not the kind of bitterness that is still wanting you back.You aren’t something worth holding back. I don’t want you back, that is the truth. It is how gullible I was back then. I was 20, young and fragile, and you took advantage of it and I was a moron to allow you to stomp my innocent feelings for you. You swayed me by your sweet nothings, you were a good actor, and I actually believed and trusted you instantly.I thought you were real.

On Valentines Day, you gave me a rose, perfume, and a paper bag with clothes in it.You made me feel so special (not because of these things. I couldn’t care less if you gave me none because as what I had always told you, you were the present that I had been waiting for and of course, that was stupid.) and I really thought I was because you said, it was the same perfume that you had bought for your mom because you like its scent so much and you asked me if it was okay, because you want me to wear the same perfume for I was one of the most special women in your life next to your mom. I really did believe you, because I could feel that it came from your heart as you were looking at me intently in the eyes. You held my hand and put it near your lips and kissed it. I felt like I was walking in the clouds when you told me that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, as the stars in the night sky twinkled synchronously along with your dark hazelnut eyes. I was in the seventh heaven, you made me feel that way and then one day, I woke up in seventh hell.

Only then, I realized that your love is like a rose you had given me.

Beautiful at the beginning; 

Just as the beauty of a flower fast fading through time

Dried and withered

and eventually its petals would fall leaving only its stem.

Just as the perfume 

that no matter how long lasting;

would eventually lost its scent;

my nostril would always look for that familiar scent..

And I to you was just as the clothes,

that you eventually found boring and got tired of wearing…

And those dark hypnotic hazelnut brown eyes were a trick.

Never again would I trust those eyes

because sometimes people who have  the sincerest eyes are the greatest liars.

Those eyes murmur the sweetest lies.

You are a fraud and I am too sorry to myself for trusting and falling for you..

I’d  always remember the time when I sat with you on the couch and asked you to explain everything, you couldn’t look at me in the eyes, by that time I know that you’re lying. I yelled at you and said, Having a dick and two balls don’t make you a man. Honesty does. That moment, I was prepared for the bomb that’s gonna explode anytime on my face. But  you chose to lie. You fabricated stories. You comforted me with lies. You told me those same shits all over again. You lied to me from the very beginning, you know that.

I’d always remember the time when your phone kept on ringing and you always put it away from me. When you went to the bathroom, I took your phone and start scrolling. I couldn’t explain how I felt at that time. I slapped you in the face real hard and asked you to explain. I never wanted anything from you as much as I wanted your honesty but I am so sorry I would never be worthy for your truth.

I have learned that no matter how old someone is doesn’t mean he’s matured or settled. Age doesn’t have something to do with one’s behavior of course. I mean, not because your 30 or 40 doesn’t mean you’re matured. Some men will stay assholes as they are. Don’t assume that they will change or you’re a game changer. As there’s a saying, once a cheater always a cheater same goes as once an asshole always an asshole—would shamefully lie and think that they’re honest and good, why? Because they have lied too much that they can no longer distinguish the truth and the lie. These narcissistic sociopaths are the most pathetic ones because they would continue to land in those disgusting puss*es in seek for love and attention. They love to be the center of attention that much.

TWO WORDS: YOU SUCK!

I pity you for being a coward. I pity you for confusing love with loneliness. You are lonely and you need companion. You seek a motherly affection and I am sorry I could never give you that. I would never be enough for someone who always wants more.

But even though, our end was a tragedy, I still wish you would man up and protect the things that you love from trespassers. I wish you wouldn’t wake up in the middle of the night 10 years from now, regretting your life choices.

I admit that I still think about you all the time.The good and the bad things that we have shared. I knew that it will linger into my skin for a long time. You became a scar that I would always carry for the rest of my life.And I think I can say that I am proud of this; for this is a scar that is sign of my own bravery and courage to love whole-heartedly despite of the circumstances and consequences. And I could finally heave a deep sigh of relief because I know I have gone through catastrophe and survived; still alive and breathing. And most importantly— still believing in love. I finally accept the fact that you are my lesson not my happy-ever-after.

Personal

The Man Who Leaped Through My Dreams

People said when you see a stranger in your dream, you might have met that person somewhere before. You may not remember it but your subconscious mind does. So there is a tendency that the people we meet on the street may appear in our dreams unconsciously.

Perhaps, have we met before?

I have dreamed about you countless times. I saw you standing at the altar while I was walking in the aisle. I saw your pretty smile but I couldn’t remember your face. All I know is that you are wonderful. There were times I saw you beside me, cuddling me while uttering the words “I LOVE YOU”, I remembered I smiled at you and you held me closer but again I only see your familiar smile.I woke up and try to remember how you look like: You have a nice soft black hair, beautiful eyes, pretty smile, you have a good built body enough to crash me into pieces, and  you have loving arms and gentle hands that are promising me that you wouldn’t hurt me, you have those warm hugs that could calm the raging confusion inside me.

But who are you?

I slowly opened my eyes and found myself smiling strangely. I’ve been having this weird dreams lately. You are in it but I don’t know you. I am actually a kind of person who tries to find a scientific explanation or maybe just a valid explanation to my weird dreams because I believe that it has something to do with our waking life, call me old-fashioned or weird or superstitious, you name it. I don’t care. Take for instance, I sometimes dream of swimming underwater which apparently means I am completely submerged in my own feelings; and I oftentimes dream about zombies too, according to dreammoods.com, when you dream of zombies that basically means you are out of touch; that you are just going through the motions of daily living, etc; which I could totally relate into my waking life: I am lost not geographically but emotionally lost..

But peculiarly one day, the rhythm of my dreams have changed….

There were times, I know I dreamed of you but I couldn’t remember but there was a strange feeling, there were also times that I saw your face clearly but the next morning, I couldn’t remember you at all. You are so vague but the emotions are so clear.

Who are you?

I really do believe that you are my soulmate… Do I sound funny? Do I sound like a hopeless romantic? Maybe you are right. I will tell you something about me, I have been broken before, many times actually, fell down and stood up eventually, got hurt and healed, but you know what? I never lose my faith in love, I never lose my faith that might one day you’ll come along and extend your hand to me and tell me, “You are home now.” 

I believe that one day, I would get the chance to see you right in front of me. But how would I know if it is you already? My heart knew you before; I know my heart would recognize your pretty smile, it is not just an ordinary pretty smile but it is a kind of smile that stirs down my soul. And how would you know if it is I already? Look into my eyes, and your soul would know that I was that girl in your dreams; the girl with the sad eyes.

 

Lover, you are may be somewhere staring at the same night sky and wishing for a shooting star to cross the dark sky illuminated by the moon. You would smile because you know that you don’t believe on those sort of things but then you enjoy seeing extra-ordinary things;while I am lying down on the roof; arm at the back of my head, tracing the constellation of stars through my forefinger—wondering what are you like and where are  you and what are you doing? 

Even though we are in different places perhaps at a different time zone too, our minds and hearts are connected. The stars above us would decide when will our paths cross but how would you know if it is I already? It is when you look at my eyes and see things  just as the same as the beauty of stars in dim light that you adore in the night sky;look at the palms of my hands and you will see your name traced in it. That’s the time the universe, the stars, and the planets will conspire to help us find each other. The heaven and earth will be finally aligned. The universe  will stare at us in awe because finally after a long journey, we have at last found our destination.

Lover, do something. Find me. Please find me.

Writings

More than a pretty face

“No matter how beautiful you are and how expensive your clothes are if your personality is a shit then you are a shit. It doesn’t matter how attractive you look. It’s the personality that makes one person outshines the rest.”

With the advent of technology,  our lives have started to change as the years passed by,  and this includes our standard in beauty. Nowadays, if you have a pointed nose, wide eyes, plump lips, and overall a sexy body—you are beautiful. That is why, a lot of women consider of going under the knife in achieving a beautiful perfect look. I mean who doesn’t want that, right?! Not to mention cosmetics; cosmetics should enhance your confidence not a cover up for your hideous personality.  Looks can be deceiving at times but you can never hide your ugly personality. It isn’t something that a make-up could hide.

 I have known people who can only offer their physical appearance but totally rotten inside. As you get older, you stop looking for a person who only has a pretty face.But rather, you start looking for a person who has a strong personality, a good heart, and a kind soul who would fit with yours.

Beauty isn’t based on someone’s skin color, race, or appearance. Beauty comes from within.I guess we should stop judging someone based on his/her appearance and it’s about time that we should focus on enhancing our inner beauty rather than being addicted with our looks because beauty fades. It’s always the personality that lasts long and what makes you beautiful inside and out.

To all the young girls out there who are victims of society’s cruel beauty standards…..

You look at the mirror and we see different things. You sigh because you can’t be as pretty as your favorite celebrity, I sigh because you think that way. You look again at the mirror and tears of disappointment start to roll down on that exquisite face, you think that the journey ends there. I look at the mirror and I see a beautiful extra-ordinary woman who has a bright future ahead of her. Darling, wipe your tears and show the world what you are capable of. You are more than a pretty face. You don’t have to starve yourself just to be as sexy as your favorite Victoria’s secret model; tell you what, having a sexy mind is way better than having a sexy body.

You are a diamond. No one can take away your shine. Always remember that. Let go of the thought that you can’t be what you want just because the society taught you that being beautiful is everything. Having a kind soul my dear, that’s what makes you beautiful.

Writings

“You will never find happiness in the sorrows of another woman.” -Dr. Amari Soul

“My dear Wrong Woman…
You will never find peace in the arms of another woman’s man.
What you will find is yourself one day in that woman’s shoes,
feeling the same heartache and the same feelings of betrayal that you caused her when he one day does the same thing to you.

“You will never find happiness in the sorrows of another woman. In time, her sorrows will become your own.” -Mr. Amari Soul

“I am so happy that you are finally gone. I have him fully. I have his full attention. All his free times are mine. He is always ready to pick up the phone in just two to three rings, and one call, he’s right here beside me as fast as the flash of lightning. I couldn’t ask for more! You bitch! Continue living in a miserable world. He’s mine. Only mine. You’re just one of his doormats. I told you so. Leech!”

So you got him. He’s all yours. So what’s your problem?  Live busily, happily, and humbly. Rejoicing in somebody’s heartbreak would give you satisfaction in a short while but soon enough all the burdens and heartaches that she has experienced would be yours. If you think that your life is as bright as the broad daylight and hers is as dark as a stormy night, just remember that the world is rotating. What goes around comes back around.

The most pathetic person in the world is someone who can’t find the serenity to mind her own fucking business after getting what she wants— seems like getting the man she has been desiring for a long time isn’t enough that she still have the need to stalk every move of the ex and retaliate afterwards. Because no matter how much she denies it, she couldn’t hide the pathetic truth that is stirring on her face that no matter how much she twists and turns her body after a long tiring quake with him, she would never ever have his heart and his loyalty. In other words, you are pathetic. Because if you are secured with the relationship that you have, you won’t ever do such vicious things in the first place.That is the curse that you’re going to carry for the rest of your life being the wrong woman.

Oftentimes, women put their paws up when they feel threatened towards other women which is pretty normal. We are taught to  take care of what we have and never let anybody to take that away from us. We, humans, are possessive by nature, we automatically think that we own that person because we have an intimate relationship with them. But the thing is that we don’t have any rights to own anybody. Owning a person can lead into possessiveness and in a worst case, selfishness. In a relationship, we tend to be possessive towards our significant others. That is fine, what is wrong is that your possessiveness eats you alive that turn you into a jealous and insecure person. A healthy relationship should make you feel secure. An unhealthy relationship makes you anxious.Nevertheless, the best kind of love is to love someone without hurting and stomping others feeling.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Personal · Writings

Quick Rant: “Why Are You Single?”

“Do you have a boyfriend?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Whattt?! Why are you single? I mean, look at you, you’re pretty, smart, and bad ass..”

“I’m single cause I can be single..”

“No, you can’t. No one can be single for a long time.”

“Well, I can. A lot of people can.”

I am not probably the only one who is tired of hearing these questions all the time. Like, hello? what the fuck is wrong with being single? I chose to be single that’s why. I don’t need anyone who will constantly give me a headache. I will no longer grab a rock and hit it in my own head. I’m single because I have learned. I won’t waste any seconds to be with the wrong person. Some are asking, “I can’t believe it. A woman can’t be single for a long time.” Are you kidding? Seriously? I’m not gonna enter in a relationship just for the sake of sex, if that’s what you want to pertain.  I won’t settle just because I’m comfortable having you around otherwise I would have lived with my friends cause I’m more comfortable having them around. Stop asking silly questions, not because we are single doesn’t mean we are lonely. You might be in a relationship, but are you happy? Can you answer that question real fast without any signs of hesitation? Newsflash, not because you are in a relationship does’t mean you’re happy and being single doesn’t make us sad neither.

I don’t understand why some women are okay with being treated like doormats. I don’t think you would get my point but you weren’t just born to be anybody’s doormat or accessories or something they need when they need some ego-boosters. You aren’t an object. You belong to no one. You belong to yourself. I belong to myself. Before he comes along, you have had your own identity and darling, if he doesn’t treat you right, retreat. The worst part of martyrdom is to stay with someone and allow yourself to be his doormat in spite of knowing the fact that he doesn’t and would never love you; that he is just staying because you are good to his ego but when you look at his eyes, he sees a different person wishing you were her. And too bad, for the sake of having a companion, you are okay with that. But once you finally know your worth, you would stop chasing the love that you don’t deserve. You are a pearl in the midst of chaos. Still beautiful. Unbreakable. Worthy.

Why am I single?

Maybe I don’t need anybody. Perhaps, I haven’t met the man who will sweep me off my feet or I might have met him and I’m still not over him. Maybe I still want the same person who broke my heart or maybe not. Maybe I can’t be a girlfriend to anyone. Or maybe I am single because I am more comfortable being on my own…

jess-cat-single

Unsaid Words

Unsaid Words Pt.2

Dearest You,

Yesterday, I had finally got a courage to cut off all the connections that we had.Though, I have blocked you on my facebook a long time ago,at long last, I deleted my viber and whatsapp, and I even blocked you on my phone. If might one day, you look for me and I was nowhere to be found, I want you to know that I have given up the remaining hope for the both of us, and that I am saving the love that I still have for you. So don’t look for me, continue the life that you’ve had before you met me. This is how I am letting you go.

Last night, I had a dream about you. I was running away from you while you were chasing me. I ran and ran until my stomach hurt, blood started to drip on my legs,you hugged me so tight and I begged you to bring me to the hospital. You hugged me tightly and whispered in my head, “Everything’s gonna be alright. You’re safe now.” I woke up feeling empty and a sudden thought occurred to me, there were times that I really did feel safe with you, your arms felt like home but there were also times that you felt like a danger. I was caged with a love I thought would have never ended but eventually it did. While I was loving you, I was also confining myself from something unknown.


He met her measuring stare and tried to hold back the tears, “I wish I could have been better for you. I wish I could have been the man that you’ve been praying for but I failed you in all possible way and I am sorry.” 

She shrugged her shoulder and looked at the vast calm sea, “I was only 20 when I met you. It’s not that I easily fell with everybody but you were special in your own way. You swept me off my feet for an instance. I was young by then and I really thought we would end up together. I believed in you. I held onto you. I trusted you. I gave you hundred chances.” She looked at him with the pain through her eyes, “You had squeezed the last drop of faith that I had in you until I had at last decided to leave. I loved you and I cared for you too much and that was how I saved the love that I had for you.” Her gaze melted him. “I had loved you from those days that turned into nights and months that turned into years. I had loved you silently afar. Then I realized that you could still love  and miss someone without wanting them back. Until you finally found yourself again and you woke up one day feeling okay. Not totally healed but okay. Then someone came along, and wonderfully took away all the pain and filled the cracks in your heart with deep love and happiness.” She paused and reached his hand, “I wish you found that contentment in your heart. I wish you met someone who would put back the missing piece in your life that would make you stop looking for it from the wrong people. I wish you happiness. And though this is supposed to be the end of us, I am still glad I met you.” 

Unsaid Words

Unsaid Words

Dearest Darling,

This would probably my last  letter to you. In all honesty, my heart still stings as my pen bleeds these words but after a year of contemplating things; after all those nights I spent myself crying to bed. I had finally gathered all my courage to bid my last good bye to you. The times that we had  were awfully wonderful; those times spent together would always be tattooed in my mind. I would always remember you with all those simple little things: the Russian songs that we used to listen in the car that I had learned to love, the food that you always prepared for me, the natural scent of you, and most especially the way you made me feel  loved and wanted. But you see, not all love stories have a happy ending. We had to accept the fact that ours, was just one of those “once upon a time” which isn’t lucky enough to have a happy ever after.Things have changed, my darling. For a long time, I had left my door opened for you but all you did was to come in and out whenever you feel you wanted to, that’s why I am not allowing you to play with it anymore and I am sorry if I couldn’t keep my promise because I couldn’t allow myself to be your doormat anymore.So rather, I am letting everything goes.I am closing my door for you, love. It’s time for you to go.

I am not bitter anymore and if one day, our paths will cross again with our new different lives, I could look at you straight in the eyes with a huge smile in my face and with no guilt in my heart but only with a great joy because I knew in my heart that what we had and what I had showed and made you feel were real.Our story had started with “Once upon a time, they were exactly what the other needed…” and tragically ended in “but it’s time for them to part.” Darling, it’s time for us to part.


She heaved a deep breath and stared at him directly in the eyes and said, “And I hope you’re happy. I hope you wouldn’t wake up one day feeling melancholic, thinking if you made a right decision. I wish you wouldn’t settle on something for the sake of comfort. I wish you found something that you’re crazy about that you couldn’t bear just the thought of losing it. And when you finally found it, don’t ever let it go. Stick to it, hold onto it. And never allow anyone to take it away from you.” “But I love you. And it’s you that I want to spend the rest of my life with.” He said breathlessly. She looked at him, smilingly she answered, “But I’m happy now. I mean the sky would still be a sky without you. Her voice was full of coldness. For a moment, he thought his world had just shattered into tiny pieces. He knew it was over when he looked at her eyes only to realize she didn’t look at him anymore the way she used to. She was looking through him as if he was just one of those strangers she had met on the street. He looked up at the night sky and saw a gazillion twinkling stars but he knew to his heart that he may find gazillion stars, there would only one moon who could only light up his dimly world. And he lost it not so long time ago.