Unsaid Words

To The Man Who I Lost and Lost Me Forever

I’ve got nothing much to say. Because, I feel like I’ve said so much, to the point that I sounded like a broken record. So please allow me to say these things, one last time…

It’s funny because it’s been years, and yet I am still here; still thinking of you and still writing about you. I have said good byes, probably a thousand times already but it seems like the magnet that you’ve attached to me is so strong, too strong that every time I tried to detach myself, you always had the power to pull me back at you. But not this time, you’ve got no power over me anymore. I have removed the magnet and all the tiniest possible connections we have. Consider this as my last good-bye..

I feel hypocrite, looking back to all the times I told myself that I’d stay away from you but still, every time my phone rang and your name appeared on it, I was always eager to answer you. I’m a kind of person who doesn’t easily give up on the people I love. I always give hundred chances but once you tire my heart out, no matter how much I love you, it’s time for you to go. It took me ages  before I finally realized that the person I loved wasn’t really there; that the person I trusted and adored was sadly —a fraud. 

For such a long time, I have left our story opened for I was hoping and waiting that might one day you’ll come along and write the continuation of it. Love, the ink has ran dry, the pages have changed its colors, fast fading through time, and the tear drops on the last few pages have dried and have left only its marks. I have grabbed the pen a few times, thinking if I should do it or not. And at this very moment, I decided to put a full stop in it. And wrote light-heartedly the words -The end…

This time, I decided to close my door for you. When I say close, that means chaining it and putting locks on it. And I think, that is the hardest and yet the bravest decision I have ever made. Because there is a fine line,  a thick line rather, between giving chances and knowing when enough is enough. It’s not that I don’t love you anymore.I still love you though. Ohh God, I love you with all my being! But you can’t just come and go in my life whenever you feel you wanted to. You can now stop running after me when you need some consolations or some ego-boosters. You can now stop calling me in the middle of the night when you’re tired or sick or when you are missing me terribly. Because, I won’t be there anymore. Sure, I miss you too. I miss you every day, every moment of the day, every ticking of the clock. I miss you. And I think, I always will. I will always miss the person I thought you were. Missing you is a bittersweet reminder of the things that could have been and the person I lost.

I lost you. I lost the person I used to call my home and I have come to the realization that that is totally fine because losing you is the beginning of finding myself back. Thank you and I hope you are happy. I always want your happiness anyway.

 

 

Unsaid Words

The Most Dangerous Disease: Having a Strong Memory

I’d always remember you from the exhilarating moment when I first laid my eyes on you, when we first stared at each others’ eyes and uttered the confession of love to the excruciating pain that I felt when I asked you the truth and you chose to sugarcoat your lies.

It was 12 am and my friend anxiety and its first cousin insomnia had visited me and the memories of you started to roll like a reel of film right in front of my eyes.. The bitterness started to overwhelm my thoughts, not the kind of bitterness that is still wanting you back.You aren’t something worth holding back. I don’t want you back, that is the truth. It is how gullible I was back then. I was 20, young and fragile, and you took advantage of it and I was a moron to allow you to stomp my innocent feelings for you. You swayed me by your sweet nothings, you were a good actor, and I actually believed and trusted you instantly.I thought you were real.

On Valentines Day, you gave me a rose, perfume, and a paper bag with clothes in it.You made me feel so special (not because of these things. I couldn’t care less if you gave me none because as what I had always told you, you were the present that I had been waiting for and of course, that was stupid.) and I really thought I was because you said, it was the same perfume that you had bought for your mom because you like its scent so much and you asked me if it was okay, because you want me to wear the same perfume for I was one of the most special women in your life next to your mom. I really did believe you, because I could feel that it came from your heart as you were looking at me intently in the eyes. You held my hand and put it near your lips and kissed it. I felt like I was walking in the clouds when you told me that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, as the stars in the night sky twinkled synchronously along with your dark hazelnut eyes. I was in the seventh heaven, you made me feel that way and then one day, I woke up in seventh hell.

Only then, I realized that your love is like a rose you had given me.

Beautiful at the beginning; 

Just as the beauty of a flower fast fading through time

Dried and withered

and eventually its petals would fall leaving only its stem.

Just as the perfume 

that no matter how long lasting;

would eventually lost its scent;

my nostril would always look for that familiar scent..

And I to you was just as the clothes,

that you eventually found boring and got tired of wearing…

And those dark hypnotic hazelnut brown eyes were a trick.

Never again would I trust those eyes

because sometimes people who have  the sincerest eyes are the greatest liars.

Those eyes murmur the sweetest lies.

You are a fraud and I am too sorry to myself for trusting and falling for you..

I’d  always remember the time when I sat with you on the couch and asked you to explain everything, you couldn’t look at me in the eyes, by that time I know that you’re lying. I yelled at you and said, Having a dick and two balls don’t make you a man. Honesty does. That moment, I was prepared for the bomb that’s gonna explode anytime on my face. But  you chose to lie. You fabricated stories. You comforted me with lies. You told me those same shits all over again. You lied to me from the very beginning, you know that.

I’d always remember the time when your phone kept on ringing and you always put it away from me. When you went to the bathroom, I took your phone and start scrolling. I couldn’t explain how I felt at that time. I slapped you in the face real hard and asked you to explain. I never wanted anything from you as much as I wanted your honesty but I am so sorry I would never be worthy for your truth.

I have learned that no matter how old someone is doesn’t mean he’s matured or settled. Age doesn’t have something to do with one’s behavior of course. I mean, not because your 30 or 40 doesn’t mean you’re matured. Some men will stay assholes as they are. Don’t assume that they will change or you’re a game changer. As there’s a saying, once a cheater always a cheater same goes as once an asshole always an asshole—would shamefully lie and think that they’re honest and good, why? Because they have lied too much that they can no longer distinguish the truth and the lie. These narcissistic sociopaths are the most pathetic ones because they would continue to land in those disgusting puss*es in seek for love and attention. They love to be the center of attention that much.

TWO WORDS: YOU SUCK!

I pity you for being a coward. I pity you for confusing love with loneliness. You are lonely and you need companion. You seek a motherly affection and I am sorry I could never give you that. I would never be enough for someone who always wants more.

But even though, our end was a tragedy, I still wish you would man up and protect the things that you love from trespassers. I wish you wouldn’t wake up in the middle of the night 10 years from now, regretting your life choices.

I admit that I still think about you all the time.The good and the bad things that we have shared. I knew that it will linger into my skin for a long time. You became a scar that I would always carry for the rest of my life.And I think I can say that I am proud of this; for this is a scar that is sign of my own bravery and courage to love whole-heartedly despite of the circumstances and consequences. And I could finally heave a deep sigh of relief because I know I have gone through catastrophe and survived; still alive and breathing. And most importantly— still believing in love. I finally accept the fact that you are my lesson not my happy-ever-after.

Unsaid Words

Unsaid Words Pt.2

Dearest You,

Yesterday, I had finally got a courage to cut off all the connections that we had.Though, I have blocked you on my facebook a long time ago,at long last, I deleted my viber and whatsapp, and I even blocked you on my phone. If might one day, you look for me and I was nowhere to be found, I want you to know that I have given up the remaining hope for the both of us, and that I am saving the love that I still have for you. So don’t look for me, continue the life that you’ve had before you met me. This is how I am letting you go.

Last night, I had a dream about you. I was running away from you while you were chasing me. I ran and ran until my stomach hurt, blood started to drip on my legs,you hugged me so tight and I begged you to bring me to the hospital. You hugged me tightly and whispered in my head, “Everything’s gonna be alright. You’re safe now.” I woke up feeling empty and a sudden thought occurred to me, there were times that I really did feel safe with you, your arms felt like home but there were also times that you felt like a danger. I was caged with a love I thought would have never ended but eventually it did. While I was loving you, I was also confining myself from something unknown.


He met her measuring stare and tried to hold back the tears, “I wish I could have been better for you. I wish I could have been the man that you’ve been praying for but I failed you in all possible way and I am sorry.” 

She shrugged her shoulder and looked at the vast calm sea, “I was only 20 when I met you. It’s not that I easily fell with everybody but you were special in your own way. You swept me off my feet for an instance. I was young by then and I really thought we would end up together. I believed in you. I held onto you. I trusted you. I gave you hundred chances.” She looked at him with the pain through her eyes, “You had squeezed the last drop of faith that I had in you until I had at last decided to leave. I loved you and I cared for you too much and that was how I saved the love that I had for you.” Her gaze melted him. “I had loved you from those days that turned into nights and months that turned into years. I had loved you silently afar. Then I realized that you could still love  and miss someone without wanting them back. Until you finally found yourself again and you woke up one day feeling okay. Not totally healed but okay. Then someone came along, and wonderfully took away all the pain and filled the cracks in your heart with deep love and happiness.” She paused and reached his hand, “I wish you found that contentment in your heart. I wish you met someone who would put back the missing piece in your life that would make you stop looking for it from the wrong people. I wish you happiness. And though this is supposed to be the end of us, I am still glad I met you.” 

Unsaid Words

Unsaid Words

Dearest Darling,

This would probably my last  letter to you. In all honesty, my heart still stings as my pen bleeds these words but after a year of contemplating things; after all those nights I spent myself crying to bed. I had finally gathered all my courage to bid my last good bye to you. The times that we had  were awfully wonderful; those times spent together would always be tattooed in my mind. I would always remember you with all those simple little things: the Russian songs that we used to listen in the car that I had learned to love, the food that you always prepared for me, the natural scent of you, and most especially the way you made me feel  loved and wanted. But you see, not all love stories have a happy ending. We had to accept the fact that ours, was just one of those “once upon a time” which isn’t lucky enough to have a happy ever after.Things have changed, my darling. For a long time, I had left my door opened for you but all you did was to come in and out whenever you feel you wanted to, that’s why I am not allowing you to play with it anymore and I am sorry if I couldn’t keep my promise because I couldn’t allow myself to be your doormat anymore.So rather, I am letting everything goes.I am closing my door for you, love. It’s time for you to go.

I am not bitter anymore and if one day, our paths will cross again with our new different lives, I could look at you straight in the eyes with a huge smile in my face and with no guilt in my heart but only with a great joy because I knew in my heart that what we had and what I had showed and made you feel were real.Our story had started with “Once upon a time, they were exactly what the other needed…” and tragically ended in “but it’s time for them to part.” Darling, it’s time for us to part.


She heaved a deep breath and stared at him directly in the eyes and said, “And I hope you’re happy. I hope you wouldn’t wake up one day feeling melancholic, thinking if you made a right decision. I wish you wouldn’t settle on something for the sake of comfort. I wish you found something that you’re crazy about that you couldn’t bear just the thought of losing it. And when you finally found it, don’t ever let it go. Stick to it, hold onto it. And never allow anyone to take it away from you.” “But I love you. And it’s you that I want to spend the rest of my life with.” He said breathlessly. She looked at him, smilingly she answered, “But I’m happy now. I mean the sky would still be a sky without you. Her voice was full of coldness. For a moment, he thought his world had just shattered into tiny pieces. He knew it was over when he looked at her eyes only to realize she didn’t look at him anymore the way she used to. She was looking through him as if he was just one of those strangers she had met on the street. He looked up at the night sky and saw a gazillion twinkling stars but he knew to his heart that he may find gazillion stars, there would only one moon who could only light up his dimly world. And he lost it not so long time ago.