I’ve been feeling empty these passed few months that I didn’t have a heart to write again. Not like I don’t want to, I want to write something rational, something new, not something that I’ve been writing redundantly. I remember the time when I was feeling devastated and I thought that was the end of the world for me, the kind of excruciating pain that you feel but you don’t know where is it hurting you that’s why you weren’t able to tell nor mend yourself, it just kept on hurting and gnawing every pieces of you.
As they said, every cloud has a silver lining; that everything happens for a reason. you may not understand or you may not see the silver lining for now, but soon enough, all the reasons, all the answers to your questions will be finally revealed right in front of your eyes, in the right time. I’ve been broken, hurt, and betrayed many times by the people who I trust and love the most. And in my brokenness, I learned how to pick up all my pieces, I am not an artist but I think I could be one by creating the most beautiful mosaic out of it.
It’s ridiculous how time is flying really fast. I could still remember the time when loneliness was my blanket, anxiety and pain were my companions, the memory of him was my bittersweet lullaby to sleep, and a pen and a piece of paper were my refuge. It has been a rough journey. I feel like, I have been scratched, at the beginning I thought it was damaging me. But I just then realized, I have been scratched because I am being polished and being molded to be even more beautiful and more worthy.
Life has never been easy for me. I have to work hard in every thing I want. I sometimes end up crying and tired and think of running away from the responsibilities and start afresh in a secluded place where no one could recognize me. I wanna live in a small town, far far away from the hustle bustle of city life, far away from responsibilities, far from the people who have caused me pain. I wanna wake up early in the morning feeling the breeze of the fresh air touching my skin softly and the wind blowing through my hair as I walk in a green pasture overlooking the tall green mountains while I am waiting for the first hued orange rays illuminating each crevice of land along with the chirping of the birds and the moos of the cows. And when it’s finally arisen, boasting its beauty, warming each and every species on the land, giving warmth in my body; and revealing the beauty of nature. Reminding me that what a good day it is to be alive; giving us hope to start afresh, to make a new wonderful stories that are much better than the yesterdays.
I wanna spend my lazy late afternoons sitting on the wharf of the beach waiting for the sun cast its golden rays, changing the color of the blue sea beaming bright red. Listening to the calm waves crawling gently to the shore as it’s drenching the sand. Watching the seagulls squawking over my heads. Watching the sunset waving its final good bye. And witnessing that even nature gets tired too and needs its rest. I want my eyes to be filled with the grandeur of these simple little things.
I think we are all the same like the sun; amazingly beautiful, burning and fiery, just like the sun gets tired of giving its energy and light on earth when it slowly vanishes when the dusk comes; We will get tired and need to rest for a while but will still continue to lighten up and ignite. A reminder that it is okay to get tired, being tired doesn’t mean you are giving up. Sometimes we just need to rest; to recharge, to breathe, and to try one more time.
One day, I will leave and will return with a brand new perspective. Because sometimes, disconnecting to the world leads to reconnecting and recollecting your inner peace.