Random Thoughts

Finding inner peace

I’ve been feeling empty these passed few months that I didn’t have a heart to write again. Not like I don’t want to, I want to write something rational, something new, not something that I’ve been writing redundantly. I remember the time when I was feeling devastated and I thought that was the end of the world for me, the kind of excruciating pain that you feel but you don’t know where is it hurting you that’s why you weren’t able to tell nor mend yourself, it just kept on hurting and gnawing every pieces of you.

As they said, every cloud has a silver lining; that everything happens for a reason. you may not understand or you may not see the silver lining for now, but soon enough, all the reasons, all the answers to your questions will be finally revealed right in front of your eyes, in the right time. I’ve been broken, hurt, and betrayed many times by the people who I trust and love the most. And in my brokenness, I learned how to pick up all my pieces, I am not an artist but I think I could be one by creating the most beautiful mosaic out of it.

It’s ridiculous how time is flying really fast. I could still remember the time when loneliness was my blanket, anxiety and pain were my companions, the memory of him was my bittersweet lullaby to sleep, and a pen and a piece of paper were my refuge. It has been a rough journey. I feel like, I have been scratched, at the beginning I thought it was damaging me. But I just then realized, I have been scratched because I am being polished and being molded to be even more beautiful and more worthy.

Life has never been easy for me. I have to work hard in every thing I want. I sometimes end up crying and tired and think of running away from the responsibilities and start afresh in a secluded place where no one could recognize me. I wanna live in a small town, far far away from the hustle bustle of city life, far away from responsibilities, far from the people who have caused me pain. I wanna wake up early in the morning feeling the breeze of the fresh air touching my skin softly and the wind blowing through my hair as I walk in a green pasture overlooking the tall green mountains while I am waiting for the first hued orange rays illuminating each crevice of land along with the chirping of the birds and the moos of the cows. And when it’s finally arisen, boasting its beauty, warming each and every species on the land, giving warmth in my body; and revealing the beauty of nature. Reminding me that what a good day it is to be alive; giving us hope to start afresh, to make a new wonderful stories that are much better than the yesterdays.

I wanna spend my lazy late afternoons sitting on the wharf of the beach waiting for the sun cast its golden rays, changing the color of the blue sea beaming bright red. Listening to the calm waves crawling gently to the shore as it’s drenching the sand. Watching the seagulls squawking over my heads. Watching the sunset waving its final good bye. And witnessing that even nature gets tired too and needs its rest. I want my eyes to be filled with the grandeur of these simple little things.

I think we are all the same like the sun; amazingly beautiful, burning and fiery, just like the sun gets tired of giving its energy and light on earth when it slowly vanishes when the dusk comes; We will get tired and need to rest for a while but will still continue to lighten up and ignite. A reminder that it is okay to get tired, being tired doesn’t mean you are giving up. Sometimes we just need to rest; to recharge, to breathe, and to try one more time.

One day, I will leave and will return with a brand new perspective. Because sometimes, disconnecting to the world leads to reconnecting and recollecting your inner peace.

Advertisements
Random Thoughts

Out of The Woods

I haven’t written in a long while and then suddenly I thought of you. And once again, I started to grab my pen and scribble down the words “You’ve still got a big space in my heart but not in my life anymore.”

Once again, I am writing about you. But this time, I am writing about you in a different shade—without anguish and resentment. I am writing about you with a deep joy in my heart because I have come across to my great love—you. You were the great love that I had. You opened up a brand new whole world for me though it was filled with thorns and monsters, just taking the journey with you made all the wounds and scratches worth it. Yes, you were the caused of my pain but there was no denying that you were my little paradise, ironically, my sanctuary, my safe haven. The fact that you didn’t let go of my hand when I wanted to let go of yours and how much you took care of me during my tribulation make me want to run to you and tell you much I’m still loving you.

Last night, I had dreamed of you. I felt an immense joy  when you finally stood up for me against the people who caused me pain. You held my hand and hugged me tight and told me all the words I wanted to hear. I was happy to the point that I could feel myself smiling to sleep. Then I woke up sad, I looked at the time it was only 2:35am. I went back to sleep hoping I could still dream of you. It’s melancholic because the only time I could get to see you is when all are fast asleep in the middle of the night when the only thing that you could hear is the tick tock of the clock and the sound of the crickets. You seemed very far away now and all are part of the distant past that I would never be tired of returning back.

I am  no longer bitter. Remembering something great is never a sign of bitterness. Things got messy between the two of us. I am done crying myself at night and wishing things to go back the way they used to be. I can now remember you without pain in my heart. I’m remembering you with a great joy in my heart. What we had was wonderful devoid the excruciating pain you made me feel. What I felt and what I showed you were the raw me. You’ve seen my nakedness, not just a kind of body boldness but how I didn’t hide all my flaws and shortcomings, the scars, the moles everything and I will always remember how you cherish every bits of me just like how I cherished yours. I just knew that in the period of our togetherness, what we had was genuine and nobody could erase the fact that once—we loved and cherished each other; that once we had dreamed our future together.

But along the way, we’ve found out that our destination is different. I’ve got to take a different path to yours so I left. I can’t still figure out what kind of journey is I am heading of, maybe journey to maturity and acceptance. To be able to accept the fact that not all the people I love are bound to stay. Nevertheless, I’ve overcome the monsters on the way, yes, without you, and yes I am well. This journey without you isn’t easy. My heart is still longing for you every now and then but I know, I already accepted that all we had was now part of a bittersweet memory of the past.

I look back only to see the dust of the past dancing with the wind, it leaves a curve on my lips and murmur the words “thank you”. You are my one great love. No one could take that away from me. As I continue this journey alone, I just know that walking away from you is another step closer to my greatest love.

I am not sure if we would still see each other again in the future. But I am hoping that one day, we’ll meet again on the street and maybe my heart will still skip a beat upon seeing your face as you illuminate the ray of the sunset at 5 pm and you’d invite me to the coffee shop where we had our first date.Maybe, just maybe, we could talk about the past, and we could joke around how we hurt each other without any pain and remorse in our hearts. And how unfair it was that you were the missing piece in my jigsaw puzzle and why I was not yours.

Wherever life takes you, I wish you nothing but pure bliss and happiness.

Love always,

Me

Personal, Random Thoughts

A Letter to My Next Love

Hi.

I don’t know you and you probably don’t know me yet or perhaps, you are just there sitting right under my nose. But I’m writing this letter for you anyway… 

First of all, I want you to know that I am a dangerous woman. I am warning you first thing, I want you to be aware what kind of trouble you will enter in. I am a monster. I am not a typical woman you have messed around with. I always have my claws up. Ready to devour you whole. I’ll gnaw you as if you are a peace of meat. I’ll drown you in my deepest thoughts. And I’ll kill you in all passionate ways I know.

You are definitely not my first love, I’ve fallen in love many times and have given some pieces of me from the wrong people who arrived and it took me a long time before I regained the pieces I’ve given away.

I don’t get lonely these days anymore knowing the fact that I will meet you too soon. I will meet the man who is prefect for his imperfections; the man who will lighten my dim lit world; the man who I have been waiting and praying for. There were times, I thought I’ve seen you with the previous loves I’ve had. I’ve mistaken several people as you but in the end, they appeared to be my navigators for they’re the ones who navigate the way to you and I couldn’t thank them enough because losing them and walking away from them is a few more steps closer to you. The mere thoughts of you give me warmth in the cold summer nights. That is why, I’m keeping myself unavailable. I won’t settle from anything less. I won’t mistake loneliness or infatuation as love anymore. I keep this wide space in my heart for you. I’ve cleaned up the mess of the previous chaos that had been living in it for some time. And you are very much welcome to enter and stay as you like. Feel free to stay permanently.

I am hoping that you are my last.

And I hope you are okay with that.

Random Thoughts

Dear Woman: Don’t Stay In a Wrong Toxic Relationship All Because You Love Him

“A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the
woman he loves”
Greg Behrendt, He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

I am not a love expert nor have had a perfect relationship neither. I have misread the signs when I needed to jump the ship. But after contemplating and meditating things, I have realized I don’t want to settle with a man who always mistreated me. I won’t stay with a toxic relationship when I’m supposed to be dancing out there, enjoying the things I deserve. I won’t be entice with a man’s sweet words, fall in love, and then drop me off when I’m high on him. I won’t be a martyr anymore all because I love him.

Maybe, I’ve been watching too many movies, and been reading too many Nicholas Sparks’ books. They say, “You can’t find a guy like that. They only exist in movies and books!” Yes, they might be too good to be true, but I believe that if a man loves you, he would do anything, literally and figuratively anything to keep you. But if a man is not that into you, believe me, one day, he’ll drop you without saying a thing. You are left with broken heart and broken bones, but I’ll tell you, that would be the best thing that will have ever happened to you.

I have several friends who are slaves of love. I mean, I have been there, I was once of them but I know when and how to stop. I’m not saying that you should be like me, I’m saying you shouldn’t ignore the red flags, if he’s treating you like a shit, you are probably a shit on him. Do not fight for a spot on his life  because if he loves you, he will put you there with no ifs and buts and be his top priority. Too many girls are confused with love and ownership. You think he loves you when he’s being possessive, maybe, yes, a man who loves you will guard you and make a territory out of you, but watch out. If a man is always jealous, to the point the he’s preventing you to see your friends while he can do anything and everything he wants. Congratulation, you’ve just got an asshole who will eventually ruin your life! And all the same, if you are angry all the time when he’s talking with his friends or girl friends, and you are tempted to lurk on his phone or social medias, ask yourself this question, is this still healthy? No, right? Jealousy and possessiveness are normal but as they said, all too much is dangerous. There’s love, definitely a huge love, but no trust. A relationship without trust only cause you with deep anxiety and stress. Let it go.

Girl, wake up! You know very well that he’s not the right one for you and yet you choose to stay and keep him around you, well, maybe, you are so comfortable to be with him but no woman should be comfortable with being mistreated. You know how to live your life and you know that you are better off without him but you just don’t want to because you are afraid of changes. You are a beautiful, smart ass woman, who doesn’t deserve to be treated like a doormat. Why would you even settle with a life like that when you are supposed to enjoy the things that life has offered. Stop begging for his time, love, and affection. If he doesn’t respect you as a woman and always ignores your concerns, sorry not sorry to drop this off but he doesn’t love you. He’s just staying because you want him to stay and why not, he could still do whatever he wants while taking all his advantages on you. He’s staying because you are still beneficial in his life but once he finds someone’s better, you are left with nothing. You are just nothing but a ragged doll left in the corner because he’s done playing with you; because you didn’t leave a single love on yourself; because you’ve poured all the love and all you on a stupid freak who doesn’t deserve all the feelings and effort you have invested. And why would you wait for that day to come when you can find your own feet now and stand on your ground. Yes, it’s difficult to move your foot forward away from the person who you give your all. But remember, this person will never change and you don’t deserve this kind of shit. Learn to walk away from the things that destroy your well-being. You deserve a selfless love and that starts on loving yourself. You can never teach a man to love you. You can’t say that you should love me this way and not that way. You teach them how to love you based on how you love yourself.

Random Thoughts

Rants

I’ll make it straight to the point. I’m not gonna convince you that I am worth it because fuck, boy, I already know my worth and I don’t need you to realize it nor allow you to label my worth.

4VqvD.gif

I’m so done tolerating any bullshits in my life. I’m getting old for the same shits; for putting myself in an awkward situation, for being in an undefined relationship. Fuck, just leave me alone. I don’t need you though. I’ve been to relationship before. I am not saying that I am proud to be in wrong relationships. I’ve had my downfalls, I was left with scars and bruises. They aren’t something to be proud about but they aren’t something to be embarrassed about either. My point is, I’ve learned with my past relationships. I’ve learned to higher my standard when choosing a man. I’m not gonna choose a boy who doesn’t have balls to stand up for his principles. I need a man who knows what a realationship is. Because I know when a boy only wants to take advantage of me, I know if a boy  only wants to get in between my legs. I smell your shit before you shit on me. I know who is genuine or not. Do not fuck with me because damn boy, I know your game before you play it. Wear your pants fucker. No one is buying your game. Stop wearing your dick up there on your head, it’s not a hat!

giphy.gif

I don’t need any other headaches. Right now the only worries and confusion I have are what nail colors and lipstick shades are perfect on me, and where to eat or what movie to watch. The only heart break I have is when my nails cut accidentally. I can say that I am not ready for any relationshit and I will never be, so stay the fuck out of me.

If you think I am not good enough for you, that’s all right with me. I am not stopping you to search for the better. I know there’s always a better person than me. So you can go, the door is wide open. It’s not like I slap your hand every time you do something I don’t like. It’s not like I’ll beg you to stay. It’s your free will to choose what’s good for you and not.

445298e1b3d5d52ae17dfebf77754d9c.jpg

The only people who deserve to be with me are the ones who do not question my worth. If you think I’m not worth it and so do you. Leave me alone fucker!

tumblr_ntqm31bubg1sioy56o1_500

Random Thoughts, Writings

Stop Thinking What If, Start Thinking What Is

“Life is full of uncertainty. There is nothing permanent in this world.  The world is a constant change and you’ve got nothing to do but to get along with it and enjoy what life has to offer.”

Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night feeling paralyzed? Because you finally know what a fucking idiot you are for wanting to go back to the place that broke you; for wanting to reconcile with the person who left you hanging; for wanting to put back the pieces even that means hurting yourself again. Crazy as it sounds but it’s crazy and stupid, yes. A sudden thought suddenly pop into your head. A sudden thought that is like a cold water pouring into you. A sudden awakening thought that goes “Why should I try harder to be with someone who is the main reason of the miseries I went through? I would no longer be the one who constantly making an effort, where in the first place, this is what he wanted. If someone wants to be a part of my life, he’d done anything to be with me. No ifs and no buts.” A relationship is a give and take. You can’t be the one who always gives and receives nothing in return. For some, they call it unconditional love. But for me, I call it martyrdom.You can’t wipe his ass every time he shits. If you know what I mean.

As they said, there is nothing permanent in this world. The world is changing and we’re designed flexible and adaptable, we get along with the change until it changed you. Your perspective would eventually change; you get to think more apprehensively. You get to realized what is good and what is damaging for you, and over the long haul, you’d choose to let go and hold on to the things that could and would make you happier. You get wiser. And once you have tasted the real freedom and happiness, you become unstoppable. We can’t be stuck on something that isn’t here anymore. Learn to move forward, even if it’s little or baby steps, it would make a huge difference. Why, yes to adventures!

Just like Bruno Mars says on one of his songs, I will break these chains that bind me, happiness will find me. Leave the past behind me, today my life begins .A whole new world is waiting it’s mine for the taking. I know I can make it today my life begins. We all have our choices in life. Life isn’t complicated, as they say, it is us who make our lives complicated. If you want to be happy then be, if you want to live in a miserable life, then be.You can live your life happily and set your own rules or you can chain yourself from something that you can no longer have. Either way, it is all up to you to choose.

It’s okay to weep and wallow for the people who are long gone

It’s okay to be sad,

It’s okay to be angry,

It’s okay to cry,

It’s okay to still love the person who hurt us and to want another shot,

 

It’s okay to lick your own wounds in the middle of the night,

It’s okay to cry buckets of tears,

It’s okay to realize that the problem is not you,

It’s okay to let go of the things that are hurting you,

It’s okay to move on,

It’s okay to stop thinking what if,

and it’s totally okay to start thinking what is.

It’s okay to say yes to new adventures;

It’s okay to lose and find yourself back again.

It’s okay to be happy,

It’s okay to look forward and never look back…

It’s okay… You’ll be okay..

Believe me..

I’ve been there and done that…

Random Thoughts

Here’s To Us

Here’s to us

Here’s to all the things that we’ve been through;

to all the good and the bad times spent together;

Here’s to nostalgia and euphoria;

to all the times that we have wasted being apart;

Here’s to all the good byes that have been uttered but have never done;

to all the fuck yous that end up to i love yous and i miss yous;

to all the fights and make ups;

Here’s to the year of loneliness and emptiness;

to all the lonely nights spent by weeping;

to all the pail of tears we have shed because of  hurting and missing each other

and here’s to another year of a new hope;

Here’s to another year with you;

Here’s to you my love;

to the amazing love that shines my life;

to my ray of sunlight,

Here’s to us,

Here’s to our love;

here’s to making up to all the things that we should have done;

Here’s to the year of changes;

Here’s to healing, moving on and letting go of all the hatred in our hearts;

Here’s to forgiving ourselves for not being perfect;

Here’s to the year of second chances;

to the fulfillment of our promises;

Till death do we part.

Here’s to a brand new beginning of just you and me.