Random Thoughts

Out of The Woods

I haven’t written in a long while and then suddenly I thought of you. And once again, I started to grab my pen and scribble down the words “You’ve still got a big space in my heart but not in my life anymore.”

Once again, I am writing about you. But this time, I am writing about you in a different shade—without anguish and resentment. I am writing about you with a deep joy in my heart because I have come across to my great love—you. You were the great love that I had. You opened up a brand new whole world for me though it was filled with thorns and monsters, just taking the journey with you made all the wounds and scratches worth it. Yes, you were the caused of my pain but there was no denying that you were my little paradise, ironically, my sanctuary, my safe haven. The fact that you didn’t let go of my hand when I wanted to let go of yours and how much you took care of me during my tribulation make me want to run to you and tell you much I’m still loving you.

Last night, I had dreamed of you. I felt an immense joy  when you finally stood up for me against the people who caused me pain. You held my hand and hugged me tight and told me all the words I wanted to hear. I was happy to the point that I could feel myself smiling to sleep. Then I woke up sad, I looked at the time it was only 2:35am. I went back to sleep hoping I could still dream of you. It’s melancholic because the only time I could get to see you is when all are fast asleep in the middle of the night when the only thing that you could hear is the tick tock of the clock and the sound of the crickets. You seemed very far away now and all are part of the distant past that I would never be tired of returning back.

I am  no longer bitter. Remembering something great is never a sign of bitterness. Things got messy between the two of us. I am done crying myself at night and wishing things to go back the way they used to be. I can now remember you without pain in my heart. I’m remembering you with a great joy in my heart. What we had was wonderful devoid the excruciating pain you made me feel. What I felt and what I showed you were the raw me. You’ve seen my nakedness, not just a kind of body boldness but how I didn’t hide all my flaws and shortcomings, the scars, the moles everything and I will always remember how you cherish every bits of me just like how I cherished yours. I just knew that in the period of our togetherness, what we had was genuine and nobody could erase the fact that once—we loved and cherished each other; that once we had dreamed our future together.

But along the way, we’ve found out that our destination is different. I’ve got to take a different path to yours so I left. I can’t still figure out what kind of journey is I am heading of, maybe journey to maturity and acceptance. To be able to accept the fact that not all the people I love are bound to stay. Nevertheless, I’ve overcome the monsters on the way, yes, without you, and yes I am well. This journey without you isn’t easy. My heart is still longing for you every now and then but I know, I already accepted that all we had was now part of a bittersweet memory of the past.

I look back only to see the dust of the past dancing with the wind, it leaves a curve on my lips and murmur the words “thank you”. You are my one great love. No one could take that away from me. As I continue this journey alone, I just know that walking away from you is another step closer to my greatest love.

I am not sure if we would still see each other again in the future. But I am hoping that one day, we’ll meet again on the street and maybe my heart will still skip a beat upon seeing your face as you illuminate the ray of the sunset at 5 pm and you’d invite me to the coffee shop where we had our first date.Maybe, just maybe, we could talk about the past, and we could joke around how we hurt each other without any pain and remorse in our hearts. And how unfair it was that you were the missing piece in my jigsaw puzzle and why I was not yours.

Wherever life takes you, I wish you nothing but pure bliss and happiness.

Love always,

Me

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