Unsaid Words

The Most Dangerous Disease: Having a Strong Memory

I’d always remember you from the exhilarating moment when I first laid my eyes on you, when we first stared at each others’ eyes and uttered the confession of love to the excruciating pain that I felt when I asked you the truth and you chose to sugarcoat your lies.

It was 12 am and my friend anxiety and its first cousin insomnia had visited me and the memories of you started to roll like a reel of film right in front of my eyes.. The bitterness started to overwhelm my thoughts, not the kind of bitterness that is still wanting you back.You aren’t something worth holding back. I don’t want you back, that is the truth. It is how gullible I was back then. I was 20, young and fragile, and you took advantage of it and I was a moron to allow you to stomp my innocent feelings for you. You swayed me by your sweet nothings, you were a good actor, and I actually believed and trusted you instantly.I thought you were real.

On Valentines Day, you gave me a rose, perfume, and a paper bag with clothes in it.You made me feel so special (not because of these things. I couldn’t care less if you gave me none because as what I had always told you, you were the present that I had been waiting for and of course, that was stupid.) and I really thought I was because you said, it was the same perfume that you had bought for your mom because you like its scent so much and you asked me if it was okay, because you want me to wear the same perfume for I was one of the most special women in your life next to your mom. I really did believe you, because I could feel that it came from your heart as you were looking at me intently in the eyes. You held my hand and put it near your lips and kissed it. I felt like I was walking in the clouds when you told me that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, as the stars in the night sky twinkled synchronously along with your dark hazelnut eyes. I was in the seventh heaven, you made me feel that way and then one day, I woke up in seventh hell.

Only then, I realized that your love is like a rose you had given me.

Beautiful at the beginning; 

Just as the beauty of a flower fast fading through time

Dried and withered

and eventually its petals would fall leaving only its stem.

Just as the perfume 

that no matter how long lasting;

would eventually lost its scent;

my nostril would always look for that familiar scent..

And I to you was just as the clothes,

that you eventually found boring and got tired of wearing…

And those dark hypnotic hazelnut brown eyes were a trick.

Never again would I trust those eyes

because sometimes people who have  the sincerest eyes are the greatest liars.

Those eyes murmur the sweetest lies.

You are a fraud and I am too sorry to myself for trusting and falling for you..

I’d  always remember the time when I sat with you on the couch and asked you to explain everything, you couldn’t look at me in the eyes, by that time I know that you’re lying. I yelled at you and said, Having a dick and two balls don’t make you a man. Honesty does. That moment, I was prepared for the bomb that’s gonna explode anytime on my face. But  you chose to lie. You fabricated stories. You comforted me with lies. You told me those same shits all over again. You lied to me from the very beginning, you know that.

I’d always remember the time when your phone kept on ringing and you always put it away from me. When you went to the bathroom, I took your phone and start scrolling. I couldn’t explain how I felt at that time. I slapped you in the face real hard and asked you to explain. I never wanted anything from you as much as I wanted your honesty but I am so sorry I would never be worthy for your truth.

I have learned that no matter how old someone is doesn’t mean he’s matured or settled. Age doesn’t have something to do with one’s behavior of course. I mean, not because your 30 or 40 doesn’t mean you’re matured. Some men will stay assholes as they are. Don’t assume that they will change or you’re a game changer. As there’s a saying, once a cheater always a cheater same goes as once an asshole always an asshole—would shamefully lie and think that they’re honest and good, why? Because they have lied too much that they can no longer distinguish the truth and the lie. These narcissistic sociopaths are the most pathetic ones because they would continue to land in those disgusting puss*es in seek for love and attention. They love to be the center of attention that much.

TWO WORDS: YOU SUCK!

I pity you for being a coward. I pity you for confusing love with loneliness. You are lonely and you need companion. You seek a motherly affection and I am sorry I could never give you that. I would never be enough for someone who always wants more.

But even though, our end was a tragedy, I still wish you would man up and protect the things that you love from trespassers. I wish you wouldn’t wake up in the middle of the night 10 years from now, regretting your life choices.

I admit that I still think about you all the time.The good and the bad things that we have shared. I knew that it will linger into my skin for a long time. You became a scar that I would always carry for the rest of my life.And I think I can say that I am proud of this; for this is a scar that is sign of my own bravery and courage to love whole-heartedly despite of the circumstances and consequences. And I could finally heave a deep sigh of relief because I know I have gone through catastrophe and survived; still alive and breathing. And most importantly— still believing in love. I finally accept the fact that you are my lesson not my happy-ever-after.

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