Personal

Send My Love To Heaven

One..two.three..four..five..five years have flown so fast but it still feels like yesterday. Though the wounds of the past have finally healed or just so I thought. There are still times that I allow myself to drift away from the reality and live with your memories and try to picture them out at the back of my mind; picturing them as vivid as I could. In that way, I feel like I’ve time traveled to the first time I laid my eyes on you to the day we became official ,to all the first things that we did together, the kisses, the hugs, the laughter, the dreams and the future we shared, then the goodbyes that had been uttered but had never done because you would always come back to me and I would always come back to you. But life happened and time interfered…

“Whoever said that loss gets easier with time was a liar. Here’s what really happens: The spaces between the times you miss them grow longer. Then, when you do remember to miss them again, it’s still with a stabbing pain to the heart. And you have guilt. Guilt because it’s been too long since you missed them last.”
― Kristin O’Donnell Tubb, The 13th Sign

Five years have passed and yet I could still remember the sound of your voice. I have memorized all your facial features, and of your body, the way you move, the way you wrinkled your eyebrows when you were annoyed, the way your lips curved when you smiled at something silly, and the sound of your contagious laughter would always be tattooed at the corner of my mind. My heart—it may have loved a thousand times and might have been broken in a million ways; it would always seek for you. And somewhere in the depth of my heart, you are there—easing the pain; serving as my refuge.

Casting my mind back at the year December 2011.

It was one of those December chilly nights. I took a deep breath and inhaled the invigorating scent of December air  while the wind was blowing through my hair. I walked around the street and noticed the festivity of the surrounding. In spite of the jubilant Christmas decorations, the enticing smell of bibingka and puto bumbong, the church bell ringing, and the joyous Christmas carols playing in each houses, I felt like I wasn’t t belong here, I had fallen into oblivion. I walked passed the children who were singing christmas carols in the nearby house until I finally reached home. I went straight to  bed and looked at the time. 7pm. My family wasn’t home yet. I couldn’t remember where they had gone at that time. My eyelids had started to feel heavy, I had them closed for a bit after a non-stop crying all throughout the week. With a heavy heart, I fell asleep. In my dream, we were at the sofa and I was lying on your lap. We were having our usual conversation and out of the blue, I uttered, “Don’t leave me.” You smiled and didn’t say a thing, but instead, you bent over and gave me a peck on the lips. I opened my eyes and tried to summon myself back in the reality and started to sob like a little child for your touch was so real, the warmth of your body seemed familiar. I didn’t know when did I stop crying nor when would I stop crying. You know the feeling of you wanted to run to the person whom you know could only stop you from crying but you just can’t do that because you’re facing the crucial truth that you won’t see that person nor touch his hand; and the fact that you won’t hear his voice anymore because he’s gone and would never ever come back. Devastating. In one snap, the world that you created with him had collapsed. Just like that.

I reached for my nokia phone and started to reread our last conversations. You said, we had to part ways for a while because the situation had worsen and so I asked, “…di mo na ba ako mahal?” 

“Wag kasing puro ako, nanjan yung friends mo, family, school, wag puro ako. Hayaan mo muna ako. Wag mo isipin na hindi kita mahal. Mahal na mahal kita, di mo lang alam ikaw ang bukang-bibig ko……….”

“Mahal na mahal kita pero ayaw satin ng panahon……”

Those messages were sent exactly a month before you left. Thinking it on the other way round, it just felt surreal that maybe you had a premonition and you’re trying to ready me for your permanent leaving. Though I know that death is inevitable, I wasn’t yet ready to let you go and I don’t think I would ever be. Life after you was  uncertain. Everything became uncertain and vague.

I had read all our conversations for the nth time. Reliving the moment. And regretting the things that I should have done when I still had the time. I should have told you to stay. I should have gone to you. I should have hugged you tightly. I should have taken a lot of pictures with you. I should have told you how much I love you and that no matter what happen, I would still hold on to you. I should have showed you how much you meant to me. I should have…… but it’s too late.

“There are all kinds of love in this world but never the same love twice.”

― F. Scott Fitzgerald

I have loved again after you and I would always love and love but that doesn’t mean I  loved you any less. You have occupied a large space in my heart and maybe that’s why I always look for you to other people. I would always remember you and if I honestly would have given a chance to choose someone to be with, I would always choose you in a hundred lifetimes just to be sure that we would have the right time for us and at the right place. Tonight, I looked up at the night sky and uttered the words, good bye for now my love. I would never ever forget you.

P.S, I will always love you..

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