Unsaid Words

The Last

The Last Letter I would write for you

Dear You,

I am writing this for you because I don’t want you to think that I left you hanging; I still believe that you are a nice person and I don’t want you to think that you don’t deserve an explanation. We all do. So please hear me out, because this is the last time that I am going to talk about you.

The times that we had  were awfully wonderful; those times spent together would always be tattooed in my mind. I would always remember you with all those simple little things: the Russian songs that we used to listen in the car that I had learned to love, the food that you always prepared for me, the natural scent of you, your voice that sounded melody in my ears, your eyes how they stared at me, and most especially the way you made me feel  loved and wanted. But you see, not all love stories have a happy ending. We’ve got to accept the fact that ours, was just one of those “once upon a time” which isn’t lucky enough to have a happy ever after. It took me some time before I finally realized and accepted the fact that there’s nothing left. You had squeezed the last drop of faith that I had in you until I had at last decided to leave.

Things have changed, my darling. For a long time, I had left my door opened for you but all you did was to come in and out whenever you feel you wanted to, that’s why I am not allowing you to play with it anymore and I am sorry if I couldn’t keep my promise because I couldn’t allow myself to be your doormat anymore.So rather, I am letting everything goes. I am closing my door for you, love. It’s time for you to go.

How did it happen in just a blink of an eye when we just had a conversation a month ago? Baby, I woke up and realized that I can’t be stuck in one place when I am supposed to enjoy the glamour of life. I can’t live in the shadow of the past anymore. So forgive me if I say, you are not the reason why I smile anymore. Forgive me, if you are not the first person I think the moment I open my eyes in the morning anymore. Forgive me if you are not the last person I think before I shut my eyes at night anymore.  Forgive me if I stop scribbling your name in my journal. Forgive me if you are not the reason why I write anymore. No more sadness. No more melancholy. Forgive me if my heart’s no longer whispering your name. Forgive me if my heart no longer aches for you, if my eyes stops crying for you, if my head stops thinking about the things that should have and could have done. Forgive me if it has finally stopped bleeding your name. Forgive me if I stop trying, because broken things can’t be fixed anymore no matter how hard we try. Forgive me if I stop loving you. Forgive me for I am going to start a new chapter of my life and you are not going to be a part of it anymore. And forgive yourself for not being the man you ought to be.

I realize that these are okay. It’s okay to put my happiness this time and stop running after the things that no longer help me grow. It’s okay to move on; to let go of the things that are not really meant for me and start chasing the things I truly deserve. I stopped looking my happiness to the same place I lost it, that is why I am letting everything goes. I let all our memories fly with the wind and float along the vast-boundless universe. I know that I am not enough for you that is why you keep looking for love and attention from other people, it’s sad but I have given you every bits of me and now that I gathered my pieces back. I wouldn’t allow you to take these away from me anymore. Our story has ended and that is fine, we are only chapters of each others’ life stories. I am glad to be a part of yours as you are once part of mine. We may have ended this way but I’d like you to know that I am grateful for our little infinite. I was exhilarated to be with you. I’ve learned so much from you. You taught me how to be wiser when choosing the people who will enter in my life. You’ve taught me how to read between the lines profoundly and to never trust someone who likes to swear to God, and to the eyes of his mother. And most importantly, you’ve taught me that I deserve to be loved the way you did and I deserve much more than that, I deserve to be treated like a priority not an option, not a second choice. Whenever I think of how much I loved you, I couldn’t feel but happy because I didn’t know that I am capable of giving that kind of love to someone. So thank you for letting me go and for giving me a chance to find the one who is deserving to my love. And when he comes, I will love him hard more than I have loved you and the people in my past.

We have reached the dead end, love.

I am not hoping to see you anymore but I wish you find the love and happiness that you didn’t find in me. I wish you find what you truly wants. Hold onto it, take care of it, and never let it go.

Farewell, love.

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Unsaid Words

Just don’t

I was 19 when I met a boy who wanted nothing but companionship. He’s got striking beautiful eyes with thick lashes. His groggy looks and his intoxicating smell. His eyes the way he stared at me, I felt like drowning. And I swam even I knew to myself that I wasn’t a good swimmer and I got drowned even if he too, was afraid of water. I took myself out of the water promised myself to never fall again with a boy who invites me for a swim when he, himself is afraid of water.

I was 22 when I met a guy who looks both innocent and strange. He’s got these cold hands and I’ve had warm hands. He used to hold my hand and say “you’re so warm.”  I am warm and he is  cold. We are opposite in some ways, I sought for permanency and stability but he sought for companionship. I looked at him in the eyes as if he was the only person I see but he looked at me in the eye wishing I was her.

I don’t want you to look at me in the eyes and see a different person

I don’t want you to be with me and wish you were with someone else.

I don’t want you to tell me the same things and promises that you have told her.

I don’t want you to force a love and connection that aren’t there.

I don’t want you to see me as an extension of her.

I don’t want to get stuck in the middle of your unfinished love affair.

And love, if you’re here to stay, stay.

And if you are only here to make a vacation out of me, leave.

You’ve got to know that I am not here to entertain your boredom. 

I am not alive for that purpose.

Uncategorized

Love, You

There are different types of love in the world. All love is beautiful even if that love cannot be reciprocated by the other person. What is so beautiful with love that isn’t reciprocated, you may ask? It is you learn how to love without asking anything in return. So that when the right time comes, you’ll know how to handle and appreciate when all the love you have given away find its way back to you. 

It was the first day of Spring. I opened the window in my room, and the smell of the fresh flowers overwhelmed my senses. The sun shone brightly. The sky was blue and clear that seemed to say that it was happy. A flock of birds flew above the blue sky, chirping merrily. I inhaled the invigorating smell of Spring when…. “achooo….”Ahhh! It’s the time of the year again when I couldn’t stop myself from sneezing. Although, I love this season, except the pollen grains and dust that make me sneeze constantly. I took some tissue and stared out of the window. People were busy roaming around the street. Kids cycling along the river bank, what caught my attention was the two young teenagers  who were around 14 or 16 while the young boy were tailing the young girl along. The boy cracked a joke, that made the girl laughed enough to filled the air. The boy just stared at her. I knew that stare. The kind of stare that was full of adoration, respect, and love that says he only has an eye for her. I knew it.

Because you used to stare at me that way. I casted my mind back when we were just young kids….

We had known each other for ever. Since we were kids, you were always there for me as I was with you. We’re like siblings more like best friends. I could still remember how you looked like when we were small, you were so thin with large green eyes, I used to tease you “frog eyes” I giggled remembering it. And you were so thin that I thought you lacked of nutrition, and your crook teeth when you smiled made me smile always. Growing up, we still managed to see each other in spite of our busy schedule at school. You used to walk me home along the river bank when I didn’t know yet what was the meaning of those little things and efforts you had done for me.

Remember the time you walked me home as I was dancing in the air, I accidentally tripped off a rock and fell on the ground. I scraped my knee while tears started to fall down my face. You ran to me swiftly and took my knee, you blew it and put your own handkerchief around it. I still have that handkerchief all this time. When you were done, you gave me a wide smile and uttered, “stupid.” I smiled. Only then, I realized that my best friend was not longer a boy, you were growing up so fast. I noticed a few hair that started to grow on your upper lip. I must admit, I knew that you would be turning into a fine man someday. I blushed with that thought. You held my hand and helped me stand. I was walking limply and you offered me a piggy back ride on the rest of our way home. There were times I got sick, you were always there, looking after me, waking me up and telling me to eat something and take my medicine.You were there, telling me funny stories that you made up just so you could make me laugh. When my dad left us, I was devastated and as always, you were there for me; listening to my rants as I sobbed endlessly. You hugged me, always comforted me. We were together through good and bad times. Remember, when we were playing baseball in the park, you hit the ball so hard and it flew at the window of Mr. Crackens, we ran so fast because we know how grumpy he could get.

We went to university, and we became busier: tough schedule, new friends, new environment. I didn’t realize that I was missing you when you knocked at the door with CDs in your hand. Oftentimes, I caught you staring at me and you would just awkwardly change the topic and you would slap hard my arms and we would end up hitting each other and giggle. I love my best friend! Because I could always count on you. 

But one day you told me you had to leave, your family had to migrate to Canada and that means I would be left alone here, in this small village. I would surely miss you. When we were lying on my bed, one day, before your flight,, you asked me if I could come with you but of course I couldn’t, that was impossible. You held my hand tightly and promised to keep in touch.

Years had passed, and luckily, we managed to keep in touch with each other through letters and e-mails. We both finished college. We were busy having our own lives; you in Canada, and I, stuck here, in the place where we grew up together. I was walking home, feeling blue, and thinking how lonely I was to walk pass on this road without you. When suddenly, I saw you in the distance. I blinked my eyes countless times, I thought maybe you were just an imagination, but thanks God, I wasn’t. I ran fast towards you and hugged you so tight; tears in my eyes as you hugged me ever more tighter. How I miss your reassuring warm hugs. How I miss my best friend. I stared at you for a moment, the orange sunset rays passing through each other faces. You held my face and kissed me on the forehead. I was glad that you were back. I was glad to have my best friend back……

Writings

You are my 1 Corinthians 13

 

Marrying the person you want to spend the rest of your life with doesn’t mean you already have had your happy ending. But rather, it is the beginning, the beginning of your journey together towards the path of your own happily ever after. It is true, that there is no perfect love; that marrying someone you love doesn’t mean it would be filled with only love and happiness. Love, just like life is full of ups and downs…

1 Corinthians 13:4-5: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”

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Love is patient…

I remember the nights I spent praying for you. I prayed to have someone who is true to his words, honest, compassionate, understanding, and loving. Then one day you came, I was scared to open up and break my walls for you but you climbed it and you patiently waited until you finally crumbled the wall I built. And my love, how happy I am that you came along to my life and change it. Thank you for being patient with me along the way; when I am feeling grumpy and having my mood swings, you will just sit there, listening to my rants patiently. Thank you. 

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Love is kind…

My college professor once told us, that if we’re going to have a date with a man, we should observe how this person treats his inferior. Because sooner or later, he would do the same thing to you. And I was relieved when you treat people with a great respect. Their profession doesn’t matter. You treat everybody with kindness. You are kind and compassionate. There are times that I doubt if you are a human or an angel who came down to earth to be with me. You are so good to be true. The way you treat other people with humility and kindness says a lot on how good of a person you are. And I love you even more for that. Thank you.

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Love does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  Love does not dishonor others; it is not self-seeking.

I must have done something really good in my past life to deserve an angel  like you. You’ve got all the nice things in the world, but you never try to show off but rather, you share your blessings with other people. You are always willing to lend a helping hand to people who are in need. Maybe, I am one of them. Maybe, I needed you and thank you for not just lending but giving every bits of you to me. You are very humble in every ways and I admire you for that. You never make me wonder why you chose me. You never make me feel incomplete. You always make me feel I am loved; that I am your universe, and you always make me feel I am more than enough.

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Love is not easily angered…

In the span of our relationship, never have I seen you angry and it scares the hell out of me. Because they said, a person who doesn’t get angry tends to explode the loudest. I asked you once, why you have never been angry at me in spite of I, being so stubborn and obnoxious most of the time. You stared at me, and created a curve in your lips and muttered, “Love is not easily angered..” I frowned and rolled my eyes for I did not get your answer. You sit with me quietly whenever I am angry at small things while you hold my hand patiently. You are my moment of quiet and peace in this loud world. I finally understand what the sentence meant.

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Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.

We are not perfect. We will continue to commit many mistakes, but mistakes won’t measure the love we have for each other.  What I like the most about our relationship is that, we accept each other flaws and imperfections. We are willing to compromise when things get rough. Thank you for bringing out the best in me. You made me the woman I am now because you love me; because you correct me when I’m at fault. You give me a room to grow as a human being. You never comforted me with lies. And baby, how sweet your truth is. Thank you for your truth.

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Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, and always perseveres.

 

No words can express how much I am loving you—and when I said I am loving you what I mean is that I am going to love you as long as I am breathing. Thank you for not giving up on me; for making me feel whole and complete; for entrusting me your future kids, future meals, future figure, future house. 🙂

I can’t promise you the moon nor the stars because they are so overrated. And I also can’t guarantee you that it’s going to be a smooth sailing journey. But, I promise to always protect you, to always trust, always hope, and always persevere. I promise not to let go of your hand whatever the weather might be. You are my hope, my light, my world, my life, my everything..

Ecclesiastes 3:11 He has made everything beautiful in its time.

Indeed it is. As we start a brand new whole journey together, may God be in the center of our relationship. May he be blessed this journey with you.

Thank you God, for giving me an amazing man. I’ll be forever grateful to you for binding us together as one. Sabi nga ni Toni Gonzaga, “Lord. Pandesal lang hiningi ko sa inyo.Burger binigay niyo.May fries pa. ” 🙂 ❤

What God has brought together, let no man separate.

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Illustrations by Puung

 

Personal

In God’s Perfect Timing

One of the most beautiful bible verses I have ever read. My favorite verse to read when things aren’t going my way; when things get pretty tough; and when things get out of control. I always remember what the bible has said,“He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.”-Ecclesiastes 3:11

I am not a religious person. I don’t go to church every Sunday. I sometimes forget to pray at night. But I believe in God and I have a strong faith in him. I may not see him but I could feel his love for me. The passed years were challenging or perhaps, a turning point for me to return back to him. I cried myself at night and I started questioning him about the bad things that were happening to me. I had been a bad girl, otherwise, he was punishing me. The kind of punishment that parents do for their kids to learn their lessons. I was blinded by my emotions. I had been selfish that was why I did things that I weren’t supposed to do. I cried and cried and turned back to him. He opened my eyes for the things that were blinding me. It feels like a speck in my eyes have been finally removed. I know that I am not the only one who’s struggling. We all struggles in different things and different ways. But  if God could talk, he would have said “My child, I will leave you alone for now. This isn’t your punishment but rather a reward. I want you to grow as an individual. I want you to learn how to stand on your own feet and stand on your own ground. I didn’t break your heart when I took the people you love but rather, I am making your heart resilient. Do not feel lonely. Do not be weary. Do not think I have abandoned you when things don’t go your way. I have my own plans for you. Plans to prosper and to flourish you and not to destroy you. Trust me. I have made everything beautiful in my perfect timing. Trust my timing. Trust me, my child.”

I had been in serious long term relationships before. At 15, I thought I would marry my first love when the time was right, I mean I could have but didn’t because he left me wander on this world alone and went somewhere peaceful. At 18, My boyfriend for two good years and I promised to get married after a year, there wasn’t any formal proposal or anything, it was a promise and yes after a year, he fulfilled his promise but not to me, he eventually ended up marrying another woman. Apart from those heartbreaks, I had fallen in love again who I thought was the one. He was perfect, too good to be true, he was like a sweet dream turned into a nightmare. You see, none of my past relationships worked out. But I still believe that things didn’t work out because they weren’t supposed to. Because God loves me this much, that he took me away from the wrong people. He loves me this much for lending me these people temporarily, they are his instruments for me to come stronger and have my heart resilient rather than broken. For the meantime, I am giving my heart a break. I won’t rush into things and won’t jump in a decision that I would regret later on. I will wait for the guy that God has made for me. I am learning to trust his perfect timing because he has made everything beautiful in its time.

I am an imperfect woman loved by a perfect God. 

There is a season for everything,

and a time for every event under heaven: a

a time to be born, and a time to die;

a time to plant, and a time to uproot what was planted;

a time to kill, and a time to heal

a time to tear down, and a time to build up;

a time to weep, and a time to laugh;

a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

a time to scatter stones, and a time to gather stones;

a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

a time to search, and a time to give up searching;

a time to keep, and a time to discard;

a time to tear, and a time to mend;

a time to be silent, and a time to speak;

a time to love, and a time to hate;

a time for war, and a time for peace.

 Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Thank you God for your amazing grace. Thank you for healing me, and thank you for giving me the wisdom to understand your plans for me. I don’t mind waiting. I know that you have a lot in store for me. And I couldn’t wait for the time you’ll lead me to the one that I’ve been praying for. I don’t need handsome. I don’t need rich. I need honest. I need a loyal one and the one who could lead our family more into you. May your will be done.

Random Thoughts

Finding inner peace

I’ve been feeling empty these passed few months that I didn’t have a heart to write again. Not like I don’t want to, I want to write something rational, something new, not something that I’ve been writing redundantly. I remember the time when I was feeling devastated and I thought that was the end of the world for me, the kind of excruciating pain that you feel but you don’t know where is it hurting you that’s why you weren’t able to tell nor mend yourself, it just kept on hurting and gnawing every pieces of you.

As they said, every cloud has a silver lining; that everything happens for a reason. you may not understand or you may not see the silver lining for now, but soon enough, all the reasons, all the answers to your questions will be finally revealed right in front of your eyes, in the right time. I’ve been broken, hurt, and betrayed many times by the people who I trust and love the most. And in my brokenness, I learned how to pick up all my pieces, I am not an artist but I think I could be one by creating the most beautiful mosaic out of it.

It’s ridiculous how time is flying really fast. I could still remember the time when loneliness was my blanket, anxiety and pain were my companions, the memory of him was my bittersweet lullaby to sleep, and a pen and a piece of paper were my refuge. It has been a rough journey. I feel like, I have been scratched, at the beginning I thought it was damaging me. But I just then realized, I have been scratched because I am being polished and being molded to be even more beautiful and more worthy.

Life has never been easy for me. I have to work hard in every thing I want. I sometimes end up crying and tired and think of running away from the responsibilities and start afresh in a secluded place where no one could recognize me. I wanna live in a small town, far far away from the hustle bustle of city life, far away from responsibilities, far from the people who have caused me pain. I wanna wake up early in the morning feeling the breeze of the fresh air touching my skin softly and the wind blowing through my hair as I walk in a green pasture overlooking the tall green mountains while I am waiting for the first hued orange rays illuminating each crevice of land along with the chirping of the birds and the moos of the cows. And when it’s finally arisen, boasting its beauty, warming each and every species on the land, giving warmth in my body; and revealing the beauty of nature. Reminding me that what a good day it is to be alive; giving us hope to start afresh, to make a new wonderful stories that are much better than the yesterdays.

I wanna spend my lazy late afternoons sitting on the wharf of the beach waiting for the sun cast its golden rays, changing the color of the blue sea beaming bright red. Listening to the calm waves crawling gently to the shore as it’s drenching the sand. Watching the seagulls squawking over my heads. Watching the sunset waving its final good bye. And witnessing that even nature gets tired too and needs its rest. I want my eyes to be filled with the grandeur of these simple little things.

I think we are all the same like the sun; amazingly beautiful, burning and fiery, just like the sun gets tired of giving its energy and light on earth when it slowly vanishes when the dusk comes; We will get tired and need to rest for a while but will still continue to lighten up and ignite. A reminder that it is okay to get tired, being tired doesn’t mean you are giving up. Sometimes we just need to rest; to recharge, to breathe, and to try one more time.

One day, I will leave and will return with a brand new perspective. Because sometimes, disconnecting to the world leads to reconnecting and recollecting your inner peace.

Random Thoughts

Out of The Woods

I haven’t written in a long while and then suddenly I thought of you. And once again, I started to grab my pen and scribble down the words “You’ve still got a big space in my heart but not in my life anymore.”

Once again, I am writing about you. But this time, I am writing about you in a different shade—without anguish and resentment. I am writing about you with a deep joy in my heart because I have come across to my great love—you. You were the great love that I had. You opened up a brand new whole world for me though it was filled with thorns and monsters, just taking the journey with you made all the wounds and scratches worth it. Yes, you were the caused of my pain but there was no denying that you were my little paradise, ironically, my sanctuary, my safe haven. The fact that you didn’t let go of my hand when I wanted to let go of yours and how much you took care of me during my tribulation make me want to run to you and tell you much I’m still loving you.

Last night, I had dreamed of you. I felt an immense joy  when you finally stood up for me against the people who caused me pain. You held my hand and hugged me tight and told me all the words I wanted to hear. I was happy to the point that I could feel myself smiling to sleep. Then I woke up sad, I looked at the time it was only 2:35am. I went back to sleep hoping I could still dream of you. It’s melancholic because the only time I could get to see you is when all are fast asleep in the middle of the night when the only thing that you could hear is the tick tock of the clock and the sound of the crickets. You seemed very far away now and all are part of the distant past that I would never be tired of returning back.

I am  no longer bitter. Remembering something great is never a sign of bitterness. Things got messy between the two of us. I am done crying myself at night and wishing things to go back the way they used to be. I can now remember you without pain in my heart. I’m remembering you with a great joy in my heart. What we had was wonderful devoid the excruciating pain you made me feel. What I felt and what I showed you were the raw me. You’ve seen my nakedness, not just a kind of body boldness but how I didn’t hide all my flaws and shortcomings, the scars, the moles everything and I will always remember how you cherish every bits of me just like how I cherished yours. I just knew that in the period of our togetherness, what we had was genuine and nobody could erase the fact that once—we loved and cherished each other; that once we had dreamed our future together.

But along the way, we’ve found out that our destination is different. I’ve got to take a different path to yours so I left. I can’t still figure out what kind of journey is I am heading of, maybe journey to maturity and acceptance. To be able to accept the fact that not all the people I love are bound to stay. Nevertheless, I’ve overcome the monsters on the way, yes, without you, and yes I am well. This journey without you isn’t easy. My heart is still longing for you every now and then but I know, I already accepted that all we had was now part of a bittersweet memory of the past.

I look back only to see the dust of the past dancing with the wind, it leaves a curve on my lips and murmur the words “thank you”. You are my one great love. No one could take that away from me. As I continue this journey alone, I just know that walking away from you is another step closer to my greatest love.

I am not sure if we would still see each other again in the future. But I am hoping that one day, we’ll meet again on the street and maybe my heart will still skip a beat upon seeing your face as you illuminate the ray of the sunset at 5 pm and you’d invite me to the coffee shop where we had our first date.Maybe, just maybe, we could talk about the past, and we could joke around how we hurt each other without any pain and remorse in our hearts. And how unfair it was that you were the missing piece in my jigsaw puzzle and why I was not yours.

Wherever life takes you, I wish you nothing but pure bliss and happiness.

Love always,

Me